How To Be A Mother When You Have No Children

Have you ever felt you were meant to do something special with your life? Maybe writing, or acting, or teaching? 

Some may find it hard to believe that once upon a time, most young women desired nothing more than to be mothers. And what’s even crazier? They were applauded for it. 

I know, I know. It can be a touchy subject. And what isn’t these days? 

The month of May is for celebrating our mothers. Seasoned mothers will likely welcome another bouquet of flowers or chocolate-dipped fruit with a sweet card, and new mothers will get the unique experience of finally getting to celebrate among their child-bearing peers. 

And then there are the rest of us. 

When I was asked to write a blog about being a spiritual mother, I’m sure the look on my face was something of a sarcastic, “Yeah… ok. Whatever you say.” mixed with a side of “...Do you even know me at all?” 

As a single adult without children, what could I possibly know about being any kind of mother – spiritual or otherwise?

“I’m not a spiritual mom,” I said after a moment. I didn’t think such an obvious statement needed to be expressed. Apparently, it did. 

My dear friend responded almost too quickly. “My daughter might say differently…” 

You see, I am an educator by design. Even outside of my day job as a teacher, I am an educational therapist, an academic coach, and a tutor with my own company and everything. Teaching is in my blood. I can’t help it. 

The thing about the gift of teaching is that it hardly ever comes alone. A preschool or early childhood teacher, for example, is a teacher, a nurturer, a caregiver, a first-aid administer, and even at times a custodian. On the other end of the spectrum, a college professor is never just a lecturer, but also a mentor, an advisor, an editor, a proofreader, and at times a confidant. Most teachers are also unwittingly customer-service representatives as they deal with the demands of administration and parents and families. 

In my role, I get to come alongside students and speak to the potential that I see in them. I get to encourage them, I get to call them out. I get to constructively criticize. I get to celebrate their wins.

Recently, I have found myself signing off of each of my tutoring or coaching sessions with the same phrase: “I’m proud of you, kid.” 

It’s really fun to see how my students’ faces brighten up for a moment after they hear that. It’s usually right before they hit the “end call” button on our video chat platform, so that smile is the last thing I see.

My job is rewarding. It’s also frustrating. It takes a lot of patience and more grace than I ever thought myself capable of giving. 

Kind of sounds like motherhood, no?

I would never in a million years think to compare myself to the people I know who are actual mothers. I know better than that. My work with children and families has taught me that there is no job like motherhood. It is incomparable to anything else. (I even have a dog, and I refuse to call myself a “dog mom”. I don’t think it’s fair to real moms out there.) 

That’s why it feels a little bit weird to write about being a mother when I am simply not one. I would never want to undermine anyone in that role.

If I can be candid though and admit more to you readers then I’ve been brave enough to admit to close friends in the past… I want to be a mother. It is one of my deepest desires. Even working with the worst behaved class in the entire school one year didn’t take that desire away from me (I may have seriously questioned it that year, but it never really went away). 

In my current season, many of my friends are married and having babies. I recall at one point last year, no fewer than nine of my friends were expecting babies at the same time.

Watching my friends bloom into these incredible moms; Watching the exhaustion, the tears, and the unmatched joy they have gotten from their children has been such an amazing process to watch. 

It’s also been a little painful for me. 

I can’t help but compare my life to theirs and wonder why, with such an evident calling to work with students and children, I have not been blessed as they have. Oh, I’ve questioned, and cried, and prayed… and I have come to accept (on most days) that right now motherhood is just not for me.  

So yes, at first, I found the idea of writing a piece about spiritual motherhood a little ridiculous. 

Then I remembered my students. 

I have walked with my students through various seasons of their lives, and I can’t deny that the place from where I watch them grow is a unique and blessed one. 

As an educator, I get to teach them new things and watch their faces light up when they “get it”. As a mentor, I get to encourage them. As a trusted confidant, I get an insight into their lives that very few people have. Even sometimes their own mothers. 

If I may, I’d like to speak to those who are like me: those who want to be mothers, but just haven’t been blessed with that opportunity. I can’t promise that it will happen for you one day, as much as I’d like to. I am not God, and I don’t know. 

I’ll ask you, though, in your desire to be a mother, what is it really that you want? Is your desire to nurture? To feed? To give life? Is it your desire to provide for someone who cannot provide for themselves? To be a caretaker?

Think about those aspects of motherhood that you want most. Write them down if you want. Don’t worry, the blog will still be here when you come back. 

Do you have your list? OK.

Look at it again, and ask yourself: Can I do these things or be these things for someone who is not my biological child? 

If your desire is to nurture, could you volunteer somewhere to work with young children? If you want to feed, could you make food for a neighbor or a friend, or someone in need? Can you provide something for someone who is unable to provide that thing for themselves? 

I would challenge you and say that you don’t have to be a mother, or even a teacher, to be a spiritual mother to someone else. 

If the desire is in you, then you absolutely can nurture. You can feed. You can give of yourself. You can mentor. You can house. You can guide and encourage. You can even clean up after someone if you really want the full motherhood experience. 

You can be a mother to others in ways that last eternally. I bet you already have someone in mind. 

I know the desires of my heart, and I know the One who sees those desires even more clearly than I do. I know the best way to honor Him, regardless of my desires, is to love and serve others, because that’s what His desires are, too. 

So no matter what you are praying for, or in what season you find yourself, do not let a feeling of lack stop you from doing what you can do. 

In that, you might just find a desire fulfilled.

Bio

Alex Rodriguez is a Jesus-loving educator, writer, and business owner based in the Central Florida area. When she isn't teaching or being a total boss, Alex can be found wandering the pages of a new piece of fiction, exploring local dives, traveling, trying out some new creative hobby, or chilling at the dog park with her rescue pup, Sirius. Check out more of her writing at alexsuyen.wordpress.com.